Doubts & Discouragement

My half marathon is on Sunday. To say I'm a nervous wreck is a serious understatement. I feel like the whole "training" (or lack thereof) has been a complete disaster. First, take into consideration my whole knee problem: because of it, the longest run I have done since September 18 has been 10 miles, and I just did one 10 miler, and that was on Saturday. My knee felt okay, but there was still some discomfort, tightness, and pain.

Second on the list of disasters if my immune system, which has been attempting to fight off a cold/flu/something for a week or so now. On Friday I was, thankfully, called off of work and while I was not feeling so horrible that I'm sure I couldn't have done some elliptical or something I decided I'd just take the day completely off and slept most of the day in hopes of kicking this thing in the butt. On Saturday I felt fine, ran, went to work, thought I got rid of the little bug. But on Sunday it hit me again, MUCH harder than it had hit me on Friday. But I had to go to work. I felt awful. I wanted to cry. All of my tables were demanding and I wanted to punch them all in the face. Went home, went to bed, and woke up this morning feeling okay... until I started running. I could feel it in my lungs, I just couldn't get my breath and I was going sloooow. I feel okay now, but I can still feel some tightness in my throat, and since it's been coming and going so much I'm worried about how the rest of the week will go.

I so badly want to PR, or at least come somewhat close to last years time. But I have the feeling that won't be happening. I don't know how fast my knee will let me go, and all of my running times in the past year have just gotten to be so crappy. Whereas last year I could manage 8:45 minute miles on longer runs (up to 13 miles, maybe?) this year I'm lucky to keep below 10:00 minute miles. I know I need to cut myself some slack because I've dealt with a lot this past year, and just coming off of a knee injury I shouldn't expect myself to be too fast, but I always compare myself to, well, myself, and just feel like I HAVE to do better than last year. If not, I've failed... or something. It's incredibly discouraging to try and try and try to get somewhere with so many things and just continue to fall further and further behind.

As for the doubting... sometimes I doubt whether or not I really enjoy running. It's always such a struggle for me to get outside and start, and just thinking of running sometimes I feel complete dread. Although, normally, once I get going I do enjoy it, and, unless something hurts, I feel so much better after. I think a bit part is just frustration over the same old running routes (I don't have much to choose from at all. Plus my dad's dog has decided to run with me, and he stays off a leash unless I want to stop and let him mark his territory or sniff poo every 2 seconds, which limits my route options even more), plus anxiety over need pain that causes me to dread it so much. Not to mention the changing of the weather. I hate the cold, and trying to get outside when it's 40 degrees or below it's darn near impossible. I just feel that, because I'm not always gung-ho, "let's go do this!" about running, I must not truly enjoy it. I'm just in doubt... about what it is I enjoy.

Sorry for the depressing, woe-is-me-ness of this post, I just had to get that out there. And hopefully someone will understand my discouragement and doubt right now.